


Satori

by Anonymous



Series: Jars of Clay [2]
Category: Haikyuu!!, ハイパープロジェクション演劇「ハイキュー!!」| Hyper Projection Play "Haikyuu!!" RPF
Genre: Ambiguous/Open Ending, Angst, Gen, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Please Don't Kill Me, Possible Character Death, Short Story, Suicide Attempt, Unreliable Narrator, comment please, no beta we die like man
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-20
Updated: 2021-02-20
Packaged: 2021-03-12 05:20:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,348
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29504715
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/
Summary: Tendou Satori was confessed to, but he had to face a choice - to be selfish ( and thus risk being heartbroken) or staying loyal to his friend. But he might have destroyed the lives of the people he cared about the most.MENTIONED SUICIDE WARNING
Relationships: Semi Eita/Ushijima Wakatoshi, Tendou Satori/Ushijima Wakatoshi
Series: Jars of Clay [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2156472
Comments: 3
Kudos: 13
Collections: Anonymous





	Satori

**Author's Note:**

> MENTIONED SUICIDE WARNING  
> If you or someone you know is (are) experiencing the thoughts of suicide, please contact hotlines available in your point of origin.

> _"How serious are we to take this character?" - Anonymous_
> 
> _"There's something uniquely exhilarating about puzzling together the truth at the hands of an unreliable narrator." - Maria Semple_

* * *

Tendou Satori had resided in the dorms of Shiratorizawa for 2 and a half years, to the curiosities and amazement of others. Most students, pretentious and unable to compose an independent barrier towards the commotion of their own fellows, move out of the dormitory after a year's stay. There were, indeed, capital fellows who dwelled in the dorms for 2 or 3 years. One very good example would be Satori’s close companions: Ushijima Wakatoshi and Semi Eita. For all that Satori knew, Eita’s family lived 3 hours away, but he was ill-informed of Wakatoshi’s reason for staying. Though they had been close companions, they simply never touch on the subject. It could be the lack of personal space at home, or simply he loved to be independent. 

Satori hid in his room - he supposed it was quiet enough for him to focus on his affairs. He had a pen in hand, copying answers into the worksheet from his notebook mindlessly. Distinctly he remembered the first day he stepped inside this campus - scared, alone and unprepared for any type or creed. His father, an old fellow, hesitated so much to let Satori live alone away from any supervision that he almost prevented Satori from attending high school. But dear old grandparents were absolutely revolted with his notion - they understood Satori’s fragile situation. Yes, they did and Satori was more than thankful to have such understanding family members. But they suggested protecting him would not assist his spiritual growth. 

“I understood, her sudden absence in life and failure in loyalty would cause great turmoil in his life. I have eyes too, my son. Satori is traumatised. I am scared to think, him living alone and unsupervised. But let us have hope...faith, let us have faith indeed. ” His grandmother said to his father once, unaware of Satori overhearing the conversation. Satori imagined his father sob silently into his bony palm again at the mention of his ex-wife, but he turned back before confirming the notion. 

Therefore the old worried fellow eventually sent him off to high school and let him live in dorms. His father called him every single night after dinner, asking him, persuading him to consult with the school psychologist and _please take the medicine_. Satori assured him that he should meet with the psychologist as soon as possible, even though he never had the spirit to. Satori was to spend the weekends with his father, to prevent accidents most unfortunate. 

His red hair and long triangular face, he believed, was the major factor driving people away from him and prompted gossip among the students. He had no interest to confront them, or to associate himself with the already existing society. He would perform better when he was alone… and so he convinced himself. 

He hid in a tight quiet corner in the cafeteria, preferred to eat alone and observing the outrageous behaviour of other people during lunchtime. A young man, of similar age, judging from the appearance approached him, asking for permission to eat with him. Satori could not have the power to resist such a well-constructed yet direct request affirmed to this suggestion. 

They exchanged basic information - this young man, by the name of Ushijima Wakatoshi was indeed in the same year as Satori. _Ushijima Wakatoshi -_ one of the best volleyball players in the prefecture. Satori should have recognised and greeted him with the utmost respect and manners. His eyes were jade, his jawline high and defined. Wakatoshi was looking at Satori with concentration and curiosity. Satori couldn’t help but blush at the sudden stare. Wakatoshi was not judging him, it was a simple gesture of respect. No guessing. No trying to put puzzle pieces together. For a single moment, Satori could not comprehend the seriousness of the situation, nor know how to react. So he broke the staring contest and focused on his meal. Perhaps Satori should walk away, for there would be a lot of ladies falling for Wakatoshi - he shouldn’t ruin Wakatoshi’s future. 

Wakatoshi’s behaviour was labelled to be of a noble nature - if being stiff and robotic was considered noble. Apart from that, Satori could not suggest any flaws in his character. His manners were presentable and he has a great interest in sports - especially Volleyball. All in all, he found Wakatoshi a decent fellow. A week later, Wakatoshi dragged him to the volleyball team try-out and they were soon core members. 

Satori often contemplated the possibility of Wakatoshi seeing his scars - for they played volleyball together after all. Sure, Satori covered his scars with a cuff on his forearm, but somehow Wakatoshi should have a hunch. Satori never took his medication in front of Wakatoshi, so perhaps that was why Wakatoshi stayed despite…every imperfection Satori unfortunately possessed. Soon, another boy from the boy’s volleyball team joined their table in the cafeteria - Semi Eita. 

Semi Eita did not become his close friend through intelligent conversations or exchanges regarding academia. Satori stood, half-naked in the changing room one day - staring at his daily dose of medicine. It was one of his bad days, he couldn’t find in himself, to swallow the heavy pills resting in his palm. The constipation was a pain to deal with. He couldn’t care about the scars on his forearm, exposing in the cold damp air. He shivered. 

“ _The Sun comes up, it’s a new day dawning. It’s tim-_ HOLY SHIT TENDOU-”

Eita did not tell anyone - no one at all. They became really close to each other, by Eita’s generous genuine greetings and the gentle reminders.

_“Drink more water, Tendou-san.”_

_“Go and take a rest.”_

_“You can copy my homework.”_

_“Let me help you clean.”_

_“Did you sleep last night?”_

They never talked about it, sometimes Eita would watch him swallowing the medicines when they were alone in the changing room. Observant. Unblinking. A never broken surveillance camera in a kindergarten, or a cell room. Satori would not confront him though - he had later learnt to take his medicine in his room rather than the changing room. Still, Eita never asked. Wakatoshi didn’t suspect anything, to Satori’s relief. He was _still_ clueless. 

The three of them formed an inseparable bond. Always the same table, at the same time. 

Eita had fond attachments and admiration for Wakatoshi. It was clear, this was no fever or sinful lust - this was a genuine agape loyal love. Eita admired Wakatoshi’s leadership, his skills, his form and the _Alpha_ aura. Even though Wakatoshi was too stiff for his own good, Eita found it enduring. Satori watched, as Eita blushed watching Wakatoshi play. He never commented on it - Satori convinced himself that it was none of his business to be involved in this….this. Eita turned down numerous love confessions and requests for courtship - for he was deeply and utterly attached to Wakatoshi. Satori never mentioned it to anyone - for it was extremely sensitive. Something urged Satori to shove this fact into the darkest corner in his heart, never to be seen and disclosed. Satori’s soul shook, his muscles twitching, his mouth dry and he ached - and that surely must be the effects of the medicine. 

2 knocks on the door made Satori leave his academic affairs and his memories. He must entertain the unexpected guest. It was Wakatoshi - immediately Satori showed him inside. He seemed to be nervous, eyes not focusing and lips white. Oh. This must be something of the most alarming nature - for Satori had never seen Wakatoshi discomposed in this state. Instead of sitting down, he remained standing. He looked like a colonel, a cold and reserved one. 

“Wakatoshi-kun?” 

Wakatoshi’s head snapped up and nodded in apology, finally sitting down. 

“What could -” 

“I have something to tell you Satori.” 

“Oh.” Satori now sat up straight, now paying full attention to Wakatoshi. It must be volleyball related, surely it must be. Wakatoshi cared for nothing, but his athletic career alone. He could be asking for advice on confessing to Eita. Or worse (worse?) , he found out Eita’s feelings and asked for Satori’s help. As Satori gazed fully into the Wakatoshi’s eyes, solid, unchanging, he could see nothing of confusion - instead, determination and uncertainty swirled within his irises. Oh - the colours and the emotions hidden had Satori marvel at the perfection. Wakatoshi would be given everything - all of Satori if Wakatoshi would let him- 

“I am - I wanted to tell- tell I - I am utterly in love with you.” 

In love? 

Satori could not help but turn away. This must be a - a prank! But Wakatoshi would not be involved in these endless and useless challenges. Wakatoshi was an honest person, so surely he must have spoken the truth. But Love... But Love! Wakatoshi loved him, Wakatoshi loved him, Wakatoshi loved him… Satori counted the pulse, his heart beat and his heavy laboured breath. There was no way - but indeed it had a possibility: Satori had been foolish not to notice it sooner. He should have deduced, he should be aware of this - attraction most absurd! That idiot… he must be mistaken. They were way too young - 17 - with no experience nor expectations … they could never make sense of love. Truly, this must only be a sudden rush of hormones and emotions. 

He should probably choose Semi Eita. Eita is loyal, tough and everything that Satori was not and will not be. Satori quite imagined them holding hands in the park, glancing at each other in the locker room, borrowing jackets and sharing intimacy - they would be happy. Dumb and in love. Eita understood what was love - he had loving parents. He was complete. He would assist Wakatoshi in being mature - 

“Tendou Satori, would- would you want - like to be my boyfriend?” 

Satori brought his hands on his lips, he stared at the table and focused on his lined notebook. White. Grey lines. Satori had never considered the prospect of becoming Wakatoshi’s. They would go on dates, cuddle on the couch, steal kisses in the dark cinema, share an ice cream, tickling each other … but at what cost? They must still argue in between these sweet, intimate moments. 

His mother showered his father with love and affection from time to time - they danced in the living room, they kissed before parting for work, they held hands… they did it all. But still, it does not stop mother from betraying them, it still didn't stop them from ignoring each other, slamming the door on each other’s faces. His father found out eventually and delivered this grave news to Satori. He remembered sitting alongside his paternal grandparents, silently and numbly witnessing his parents signing their names slowly on a legal document, declaring their eternal separation. 

The same would happen to them - this must happen. Wakatoshi would love him, with all his heart and soul. That was not enough, never enough. Father loved mother, but it was never enough at all. 

He would inform Eita when he accepted Wakatoshi’s feelings. Satori would panic, face red and fingers shaking while approaching Eita. Satori quite imagined Eita’s face twisted in confusion, while his soul burnt with hellfire. Then Eita would abandon Satori, shove him around the campus or something. He would not forgive Satori. More importantly, Eita would be tormented by the endless swirl of regret and the rapid of anger. 

No, Satori would not betray him. 

Satori turned back to Wakatoshi. 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  


Six years passed. Satori had the honour to live in France and became a chocolatier. He was alone - utterly alone. Life was fair and tolerable. He spoke some French and Italian now, much to his own surprise. He requested no news, regarding Wakatoshi and his friends back in Japan. His father once begged him, in a phone call, to talk to Wakatoshi. 

_“You could not leave the poor boy like that… they are worried about you. They made a trip to our house - yes this is true Satori. They begged me to disclose your whereabouts - No of course I did not! Satori listen - no I didn’t. Please don‘t do this, my son. Wakatoshi looked so concerned and worried! I could not possibly endure more of their disappointed and miserable faces… I mean - I shouldn’t tell you this Satori: Wakatoshi visited every single Sunday before he went to America. Yes... he went to America. A few weeks ago. He helped me with the plants and housework. Sometimes the whole volleyball team with Semi and him would drop by. No - I mean yes, they were primarily concerned with your whereabouts… but they really helped me, an old useless man with housework and to socialise with young people. Tendou Satori, they are really concerned with your well being.. please, one text. Or one phone call - you don’t have to converse with them… just tell them you are alive and well.”_

He often, in the darkness of his cold hollow apartment, contemplated the meaning of life. He seldom took his daily dose of medicine anymore - for he simply did not have the time, or he convinced himself. He would scribble sentences from time to time, that would be incorporated into his will. He thought of living his life in that stable ordinary manner forever - until he was sent by his company to Japan‘s branch ( for he was the only one who could speak Japanese). And Satori could not refuse the temptation to reconnect with his homeland and his father. 

One day, he saw a familiar face at the glass window of the shop - and he escaped into the kitchen before that person could converse with him in any way. Bound by demons and the weakness of human nature - Satori did the unthinkable. 

  
  
  
  
  
  


Satori woke up. His mind was twitching, spinning and fetching very far away - then it was dragged back and anchored. He was on a soft bed, the coldness slipped through the sheets and wrapped herself around the body. He opened his eyes and saw a tall man with white medium length hair. Who was - he knew this person. Eita. Semi. Where were his family? 

“Eita?” Satori grasped. Eita was taller, wrinkles wrapped around his eyes and forehead.

“Satori.”

“Why did you-”

“I was informed by your father, so I came...How are you? Dizzy? ” 

“Fine.Relatively fine… where is my father?”

“He went down to eat. He held your hand, refused to sleep for the whole night.” 

“What is the time?” 

“2 in the afternoon.” 

They paused - both looking away from each other. 

“How are you?” Satori started. 

“You have the audacity to ask how am I? Really Tendou? You left us for six years and never replied or cared to visit… and you are now asking me _How am I?_ I don’t know why you left, I don’t want to know now.” 

“I am sorry.”

“Don’t - you and I are not in the right mind right now. I would crash your skull no matter what you say , and I don’t want that.” 

“Who else did my father told?” Satori whispered. 

“Ushijima-san. That idiot… He messaged me last night. Said he saw you in the shop, you avoided him… and your father called him in the middle of the night.” Satori spat the words out. 

The manner of voice suggested hatred and offence. Had Eita not seized the chance? 

“Are Wakatoshi-kun and you-” 

“No. We never - he could not commit himself to a relationship. He was attached to another. Who rejected him in Shiratorizawa six years ago. That idiot - he was never himself after this!” 

“Oh.” 

The both of them paused. Satori looked down on his knees - they never got together. For years Eita suffered the unbearable heartbreak of admiring Ushijima Wakatoshi from afar. Satori hadn’t missed brokerness and the tearing of a soul reflected in his eyes. Satori realised - Eita was never okay, he was never well. 

The skin was ghostly pale, the eagle’s foot rooted in the area of his eyes, the hand’s fidgeting endlessly despite it being summer. Satori urged to reach out and offered him something. Something. Eita suffered so much. Eita suffered because of him- that idiot, refusing to consider Semi Eita. Satori should have recommended him on that day. 

“Wakatoshi - he…” Eita turned away, his eyes closed loosely and stuck itself to the floor. With a jump of the heart - Satori knew. 

“How?” 

“A drunk driver. It- ”

“When?” 

“How - the driver he - 3:35 am.” 

“Eita-”

“That idiot heard you are being admitted into the hospital. He… he panicked and ran towards here. He was so - so scared when he received the message. And he- he told me- and -”

Eita’s sobs were light, unmoving and detached. Satori buried his heavy head in his dry hands, in what - he couldn’t name or formulate. How - how could this happen? A drunk driver … how? He imagined Wakatoshi with his buff athletic body wearing an old purple hideous windbreaker immediately sprinting out of his small house after receiving the urgent message in the middle of the night. He would bring nothing but his blue cellphone and brown leather wallet. Perhaps not the wallet - he tended to forget his wallet during emergencies. He would not lock the wooden door too - leaving his small family in great danger. 

Wakatoshi would run fast without a second thought in mind, perhaps ignoring the tall streetlight too. The demonic drunk driver would lose control of his fucking expensive or cheap car at the same time - and crashed into Wakatoshi’s strong body. Wakatoshi’s body would roll on the hard unforgiving frozen slippery road, his bloody sticky hands and fingers clenched into a tight fist. He might scream, he might yell for help. In his final moments where scarlet flowers bloomed and rooted on his body, he would ask for help - help from God or from apathetic pedestrians walking by, or from the drunk driver. Silly Wakatoshi would do something foolish and insensible like this.

What did Wakatoshi think in his last moments? Perhaps the happy childhood memory with his father, the competitive matches he fought, the good time spending with Eita. Wakatoshi might recall conversations with his good friends - did he think of Satori? Did he live through every word, every sentence and every line with Satori? Wakatoshi might have all of them memorised. If so, would he remember the moments with his close family members? Did Wakatoshi think of his old mother and grandmother? He was a man of good conduct and noble nature - of course he would think of his family. How about the two old Mrs.Ushijimas ? How would they cope with the loss of a good man? Did Wakatoshi picture Satori‘s hideous face before - What would happen if Wakatoshi was alive? Would he smile at Satori? Would he take Satori’s breath away with the tenderness of his rough hands? Wakatoshi would laugh at his jokes - Satori was pushed back brutally into a whirlpool of memories. He touched the memories and examined them.

A notion tore through him: Wakatoshi was dead. He is dead dead dead dead dead. Satori was to blame - he was the one who murdered Wakatoshi. If Satori wasn’t this selfish, perhaps Eita would finally be Wakatoshi’s, Japan would have won the Olympics next year, Mrs Ushijimas would have someone to take care of them. Satori looked down at his shaking hands, he could well imagine the rotting smell of Wakatoshi’s scarlet sticky blood between his fingers. No - the blood of so many people was in his hands. Eita’s heartbreak, Mrs. Ushijima’s grief - he was a murderer. 

He fell down slowly, backwards into the pillow and the sheets. He could hear Eita’s concerned shouts, hands on his shoulders. A sudden voice in his brain - calling out desperately. 

Suddenly he was back into his dorm room, sitting in front of Wakatoshi. They were alive, well and in good health. Wakatoshi’s lips were chapped and corpse white. His voice shook with fear. Satori remembered the very line he told Wakatoshi that day - 

  
  


**-End of short story-**

**-End of text-**

**Author's Note:**

> I would like to express my utmost gratitude to the Beta-readers, who pointed out mistakes in the first draft and supported me. I would like to thank Lord Jesus (Hallelujah 🙏🏻) and my family. :) Without them, getting this work published will be impossible.
> 
> Comments are appreciated! :)


End file.
